Without You
by LaynaPanda
Summary: She didn't realize how painful and lonely it felt until she witness the death of her mother. -Personalexperience.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Waaaah, I need to write all my feelings inside here but I know that's going to bore you guys most so I'm just going to try to make it at least a liiiittle but interesting. It's about Lucy and you know the rest. I changed Lucy's past just a _little_ so it sort of matches mine so yeah.  
I just want to write and write and write and write!

This is for my mama who's in heaven watching over me now. c:

* * *

Lucy never was the person to understand death. She knew that everyone had to die at one point but what was the point on dying? She's seen her friend's family member die, strangers she's never ever met dying on TV, family members she never were really close with dying; but all those deaths didn't make a big impact on her till somebody important in her life passed away. She didn't realize how painful and lonely it felt until she witness the death of her mother.

She was only 13 when her mother died, finding it depressing that everything changed in her life when she passed away. She never expected her mother to be the one dying next—after all those mean things she did to her during the times she was growing up with her mother just made it feel like a big burden on her shoulders. She wanted to apologize for everything, she wanted to say _sorry for being so mean to you_ but she never got the chance to say it. She wanted to learn much more things from her mother, she wanted to say _I love you_ every night and every day to her but she couldn't anymore which broke her heart.

What killed Lucy even more that it happened so suddenly and she couldn't do a single thing about it.

All she could do was watch and watch her suffer, scream and cry while she was struggling to breath in and out. She knew somewhere deep inside her mother she was screaming about how it hurt so much but didn't have the strength or consciousness to respond or react to anything. All Lucy could do was sit there and hold her hand, screaming at her to hold on and don't give up—breath on and on and live with her.

Even though it hurt her and everyone around—she needed her mother by her side.

When the emergency police department took her to the nearest hospital around one in the morning, she was already gone. But Judo nor Lucy knew about that till the doctor came into the waiter room to tell them the news.

When the doctor told them, "_We have failed to restore her heart—we're sorry, Layla Heartfillia is no longer alive._" Lucy felt like her heart shattered into millions of pieces, her heart stopping for a minute or two. She soon sobbed so loudly and so hard that she couldn't hear anything anymore. She felt her whole world shatter into millions of pieces and soon, she heard her father's sobbing too. She didn't even think her father cared about her mother at all but seeing that he was breaking down like she was showed that he did.

When they let them see Layla after a while, Lucy and her father burst into tears again, trying to shake the woman awake or something. But she was gone and soso_so_ cold.

Till that very day, Lucy felt so lonely and sad but she knew she must live on with her life being that happy girl she once was. Her mama would have wanted that and she knows she is watching over her every day.

She writes letters to her mama every night to tell her how her day went—smiling happily as she did.

She may have wanted to do more things with her and spend more time with her but for the time being, she'll live her life and share all those unforgotten memories with her once more in a place called heaven.

* * *

**A/N: **That's about it. x'D

I'll write more next time—maybe one with NaLu. And before anybody goes asking, yes, this is how it happened to me. Most of the things in here are true and so yeah. Hope you guys enjoyed, sorry for the sad story, I needed to write, write, and write. IT'S MY FEEEELS.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Oh gosh, I don't know why I'm adding more chapters to this but I am. I learn new things about my mother everyday_—_like what she thought of me, what she told people I am like, and it sometimes breaks my heart because she's not here to tell me how her days went or such. Oh well, I might as well get used to it sooner or later. Remember, this is almost all true, just a bit changed!  
I'm just might as well add onto this every time I want to write about my feelings or such and add on NaLu if you guys like. :D

Anyways, hope you guys enjoy.

* * *

She was always the sunshine to her rainy days.

That's what people had told her.

They have told her at the funeral that her mother _always_ bragged about how smart she is, how beautiful she is, how her personality was the best, and how she was she was the sunshine to where ever they went. And that would just break her heart whenever she imagines her mother's smiling face, talking to her friends about _her_. Because that woman loved her to a great extent.

Lucy didn't understand—her mother always bragged to others and she would always think that it's a bit bothersome but others didn't seem to care. They only adored her as much as her mother had.

When days past and the funeral is over, Lucy _still_ couldn't forget about her mother. Even though she doesn't cry as much but her mother's face was always lingering in her mind. She would remember all the things she would say if she was doing something, she would see her scowling face if she did something she didn't like, and she would remember all the nice things she did for her when she was sick or such.

Lucy remembered how when she was always sick her mother would sleep in her room or always check on her every hour trying to see how she was. Because, what she would say is, _"Mama can't sleep when she knows my lovely daughter is sick_." And she would nurse her back to health.

Her mother was relevantly a healthy person but sometimes she could get colds and or cough _a lot_. She would have lots of check-ups to go to and eat lots of medications, but that didn't stop her from doing anything.

Lucy remembered when her Aunt died years before that she asked her mother what she wanted to do before she died and what she wanted to do with her remaining. She would remember that her mother had told her that whenever she looks for her that she would be the _biggest_ and _brightest_ star up in the heavens.

And that's what she would always look for in the stary night skies.

But the bad part was—she didn't remember what her mother wanted to do with her body. And so, her father had burned her body to make ashes.

It broke Lucy's heart even more and she sobbed the hardest when she saw them but her in that _oven_. Lucy practically wanted to jump in there and pull her cold body out but she knew she couldn't. So, all she could do was look away and sob some more.

Then couple days later she would watch a movie while she was alone due to the fact she was bored out of her mind.

She was just sitting on the chair while watching a movie through her laptop, laughing at parts and smiling as the cute parts came on. But during the movie her Uncle would pop in and ask what she's watch, standing behind her to watch a couple more minutes then leave. After that—Lucy started sobbing more. She remembered how her mother would do that and always ask questions when she was watching a movie.

The image of her mother dying in her bedroom was also horrifying it left a scar on Lucy. She couldn't enter the room without feeling tears burning in her eyes or stay there for a long period of time since her mother always was in there.

Lying on the bed watching TV, at her mirror doing her make-up or nails, in her closet looking for work clothes, in the bathroom showering and worst of all**—**_gagging and dying on the floor_.

Whenever she closed her eyes that image would always pop up and it scared her half to death. She didn't want that, she hated that.

If she had a time machine to go back in time, she would have took the chance to tell her mother, _I love you_ one last time before her time ended.

After that day, she was in bed about to sleep then something would remind her of her mother. Then of course, she would try her best not to cry but she did.

And she doesn't know why.

She remembered all the nice things her mother had done for her and she remembered what she would do or say to her; sometimes being real nasty but her mother never got angry. Now that she was gone, she was never there to hold her, kiss her, comfort her, tell her how her days went, what looked good or not good on her, girl talk, heartbreaks, weddings, babies, life, anything that involved woman's talking and or bonding. She would always remember what she had told her mother last time when they were out grocery shopping. "_Hey Mama, let's make Saturday _our_ day!"_

_"Our day? What do you mean?"_

_"Like, it's only a day for us, you know? Daughter and mother bonding day—let alone the others."_

_"Hmm, I like that idea. But Saturday has already been our day."_

_"It has?"_

_"Yes, haven't you noticed we always seem to spend Saturday together?"_ And the worst part was . . . she had died on a Saturday.

And with that last memory she would fall asleep into dream land, hoping that she would see her mother one last time to tell her those three words she was dying to tell her.

But alas . . . it never came. And she would write about it the next morning—disappointed.

But she had years ahead of her so one day, she'll see her again. And when that time comes, she'll say whatever she wanted to say. And give her lots and lots of hug and kisses.

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**A/N: **Meeeh, it's so saaad.  
I don't like writing sad stories but my feelings are like this and . . . ;_;  
Sorry for making any of you cry and feel bad, I really am getting better during the days but I have those times where I just completely break down . . .

These are all _true_ fact. :I

Thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Just when I thought I was getting used to the fact she is gone and I'm okay—I write again and remember things that make me write and sob some more.  
It's awkward when people at school talk about their mom and I'm sitting there like an awkward penguin. Jesus, think about the people, goodness! But I don't mind, I need to get used to it. ^^

I also joined grief club because of free candy and you get to skip class. Yay for me. :D

* * *

She always waited for her mother to come home.

It felt like she was away on a trip—always waiting for her to return home and surprise her with a big hug and kiss. She always wanted that, wanted somebody to jump out of her closet and shout, _"You just have been punked!"_ and out comes her mother smiling beautifully like the beautiful woman she was but that never happened. So, she just wished and wished every day, wanting that to really happen one day. Maybe, if she tries hard enough, it'll come true.

One day, she'll be with her mother again and everything will be the same again but for now, she needed to wait.

Lucy would feel a bit down every time she saw her mother's belongings, not wanting to touch, look, or even be near them. She wanted to preserve everything that belonged to her mother—everything that she loved, used, wore, had, she wanted to keep. But Lucy knew that was impossible being her father thought it was just a waste of space so she eventually had to throw away things that wasn't useful and give away things that weren't so used. Her father agreed that she could wear the clothes her mother used to wear and keep the jewelry but it was just too painful for her to do so she just kept them in a safe place.

The blonde also _hated_being reminded of her mother, the sad burning feeling returning to her chest. Why did everyone have to bring her up? Just because her mother died doesn't mean you needed to talk about how great she was in front of her daughter _who misses her like hell_.

She hated people acting like they cared too—she wanted everything back to normal.

She sometimes wonder; what if her mother didn't sleep? What if she was awake when she died that time? Would she still be alive? Still happily by her side smiling like she always did? Lucy always wondered that, wanting to go back in time and at least try it so she could spend at least one more day with her precious mother.

But Lucy knew that was impossible, it was never going to happen so she needed to just wonder and wonder.

That night as she was going to bed she cried herself to sleep. Lucy would remember how her mother always said she would come to her graduation and happily send her off to high school with her father but since she was now gone, she couldn't. And that broke her heart—just thinking about just seeing her father in the crowd as she graduated from her grade to the next.

And sometimes, she would image her mother next to her father smiling widely, waving at her like the loving person she was.

She would image all the words she would utter out when she did something—always thinking like her mother so she wouldn't disappoint her up in the heavens. And when she looks up in the sky she'll always try and find the biggest and brightest star to know her mother was watching her.

But the weirdest thing was—it didn't feel like she had passed away. It felt like she was on a trip—a long term one. And she told her father that one time but all he did was smile sadly and whisper, _"It does, doesn't it? But this time, she's not coming back . . ."_ And that made her cry harder and harder.

She just wanted to be in the arms of the person who gave her—was that so hard to do?

Just one more day with her would make her happy, just one more day . . .

* * *

**A/N: **;n;

My feels are all in here—I shed a few tears while writing this.

Doesn't make it any better since my boyfriend is fighting with me—fuck my life. I want to be with my mother. :'(


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Goddamn it, when I finally thought I was getting used to the fact that she was away! D':  
I'm still waiting for her to come home—it doesn't feel like she passed away. I feel like she's still on one of her business trips and will be coming home soon. ^^

I was at the nurse office on Friday because my ear was acting up and she was like, "Does your mom know?" And I awkwardly shook my head and she's like, "Want me to call her to pick you up?" And I'm just standing there staring at her till I'm like, "She's not . . . here." And she forgot it was me and nods, sighing in disappointment. Then when I give her my name she gasps and apologized—the awkwardest thing that has happened to me! I now understand how my cousin's feel since their mother passed away four years ago.

Anyways, here's the next chapter because I got reminded of her and I'm super emotional right now. ;_;

* * *

Her father would be incredibly nice to her.

He would ask her if she would like to buy anything _every day_ and she would just feel _so_ bad about it. She would simply shake her head and when they do go out and if she does have things to buy she'll try to buy it with her own money but he would just gently push her aside and pay for everything.

And she couldn't remember the last time her father yelled at her for doing something wrong and or scolding her.

She honestly felt a bit bad but she couldn't do anything about it—she was still young and she couldn't do anything but just _stand_ there like the useless person she was.

And with her father buying and doing all these nice things for her made her remember her mother. She would remember how when she was with her mother and when she bought her things she would want she would say, _"When I grow up and have money and a job I'll take you out on dates and we can spend time together, alright?"_ And that silly woman would just laugh and agree, smiling beautifully.

Lucy just wanted to be with her mother, do all the things she promised she'll do with her mother but it was too late for that. She wanted to buy her mother clothes, shoes, food, go out and spend time with her, have fun, do all the things they would do when she was alive. She wanted to have her Saturday with her mother again—talk about boys and the latest fashion, the weather, what's new, how they were doing.

She just wanted to eat their favorite foods together again and drive around to places—she wanted her mother seeing her grow up day by day by her side. Compliment how beautiful she looks or how bad she looks on certain days. She wanted her to hear her mother bragging to her friends and family how smart and beautiful her daughter was and she wanted to hear her mother's gossiping in her room at nights.

She wanted at least one more day, she would die to see and hear her mother again.

And as time passed she missed her mother more and more but she would get used to it every day. She would get comfortable talking about her mother and such but sometimes she would just sob her heart out.

She remembered how one day her aunt called her and sobbed into the phone how much she misses her little sister, crying about how she wanted to see her again.

And Lucy had to try her best not to cry with her but softly coo at her not to cry anymore. It pained her to see her family members all crying and saying she misses her mother.

But in reality, she misses her mother the most because she was her mother and she was her daughter.

And whenever she thinks about it—her mother must have know she was going to die that day. The woman came back from her trip, ate dinner with her older sister because she whined about how they haven't seen each other in a while, seen her older sister's husband and she was happy about how he actually was nice to her.

Her uncle was a nice guy but he was just so strict and snaps at people over the slightest things but he was nice to her the day of her death that she might have been real happy and had no regrets.

Her mother cleaned the house that night, did the laundry, cleaned her own room, and did everything she could since she was leaving the next morning for another business trip. Lucy also heard that her mother apologized to her aunt for all the bad things she has done couple of days back and she wonders why her mother didn't tell _her_ then. If she did, she would have done everything she could to love her, kiss her, hug her, laugh with her, and do everything in that night before she left for her long-term journey.

Only if she knew, she wouldn't be feeling as bad as she feels now.

* * *

**A/N: **I literally took like, so long writing this because I was sobbing while writing.  
I seriously don't know why I'm acting like this when my cousins don't even shed a single tear about their mother anymore. Maybe because it's been years? Or maybe they were prepared because her mother had cancer?

I miss all of them so much—now I don't need to cry for my aunt anymore, I need to cry for my mother also. The _both_ of them. I'm willing to die any day to see my mother again; I'll do whatever I can to be with her again. Anything—I just wish it won't be _too_ soon to leave my family. . .


End file.
